Friends. Or fam(ily). These feel like two words that get overused and their meaning has grown diluted to the point of non-existent. I find myself feeling like Ted in the HIMYM pilot episode, telling Robin he loves her immediately after meeting her. That’s been a cringily accurate representation of my attitude towards (too) many people. Not romantically most times, although I guess that could be accurate too in a way. But right now I’m referring to just general openness. And trust.
Disclaimer, I really do NOT feel like writing today. I’ve gotten a few likes for my first post though, and a beautifully talented follower, so I’ll write for them today. For you.
I’ve come to feel like if I put any amount of trust whatsoever in “the world”, it will destroy me slowly and passionately and will not lose a second of sleep. Which isn’t that surprising considering it is generally asleep all the time. There hasn’t been an alarm clock yet that would not get put on “snooze” within miliseconds. But that just sounds political, and screw that, honestly.
The world will (always?) be just that: the world. Nothing less. Nothing more. A chaotic pack of people thinking they know what to do about anything. And teaching their peers what to do about everything. And teaching their children. That’s my personal favorite. Children are the future. Agreed. It makes sense then for most of us to keep them in the past. Or does it. Dunno duncare.
Well, I do care. That’s my problem, really. And I don’t really believe it’s a problem. Personally I consider it a bigger problem when someone does care as well but feels the need to put on the act that they don’t care at all. Or that they care very selectively, which does seem like a better idea. Like care about their loved ones, friends and fam. Yeah!
I mean, guys. Look. I appreciate it when someone tells me they care. Particularly when they assure me they care about me. And I really believe they do when they say that. It’s just… well, I’ll just say it, kindness costs nothing. As in, I get it that you don’t feel able to be of real support, I do. But… Okay. You know. You don’t have to be… insensitive, about that.
And see, that’s gotta cause an inner resistance in some. “Wait what? What do you mean insensitive? I’m not being insensitive, I’m telling you I can’t help you with your problems, you’re being insensitive!” Whatever works, right?
Yeah… and I don’t really have concrete examples on hand that I could bring up, least not from the most recent days. So if you’re not getting my meaning, don’t worry about it. I guess there is one conversation from a couple years ago, three or four maybe, that stuck with me for a long time. A friend – I mean that’s what I thought she was – gave a poignant reply to my opening up and confiding in her, about my struggles/fears/difficulties. I do not remember the exact phrasing, and I do not feel like looking up the convo itself (yes, it was a facebook convo, what are the odds). I do remember distinctly that the words “little bitch” were used by her to refer to me, as well as something about complaining too much.
Getting that reaction to making yourself vulnerable in front of anyone you thought of as a friend is devastating enough. The fact that I had been hopelessly (without clear OR good reason!) infatuated with her made it bad enough that much of that year I spent with crippling bladder problems which turned out to be 100% anxiety-induced. If that doesn’t prove I’m a “real boy”, I don’t know what does.
See, I just made myself vulnerable right here, I’m realizing. I would assume the best of my readers, that the confession would spark compassion and maybe even be relatable. But that’s me being Ted. I admitted to loving Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi in a fan group the other day. Used the words “it changed my life” and I was not lying. One heart-eyes emoji reaction, the others “rolling on the floor laughing” emojis. Oooh, even better, a compassionate not-to-be-confused-with-condescending lecture from a… film critic? On the Internet? In a fandom group? I think not. But yes, a lecture, about people exposing their perversions on the Internet and him having to endure the cringe it gives him. Aww, I’m sorry, baby. If it makes you feel better, you made me cringe too. And I endured it, and you can do it too. I believe in you.
Well, there goes me not wanting to write today. But yes, let’s wrap this up somehow, maybe with a nice bow and tie. And what better way to do that than come full circle: friends, fam. Yes, I love you. Obviously you can’t tell someone you’ve just met… or, actually, didn’t, cause like, you’re literally only reading my words… that you love them. But, I agree with poor hopeless Ted: it sucks that you can’t. What, is putting on the tough guy/girl act better? “You’re just gonna regret shit when you’re an old bastard” as a random fellow student once said to me while evidently trying to set me up with another fellow student who later claimed no knowledge of the incident after we did get set up. Life, right?
May the Force be with you as you live long and prosper.